No Straight Lines Make Up My Life

I have been taking more time for reflection and meditation, thoroughly enjoying what comes to me when I still my mind. The montage of life from the past two years plays out before me in vivid colour like a trailer of greatest highlights...and the emotion of every scene washes over me.

Life is like that. We expect it to be linear, one event, one crisis at a time to face and overcome, contained in its own space and time. In reality, life comes at us all at once, from all directions. We can be celebrating a birth at the exact same time as comforting a sick family member or mourning a death of a loved one. Weddings, funerals, graduations, retirements, birthdays, babies, divorces, challenges and achievements. One cannot be shelved in favour of another. Each demands its own face time and our attention; to be acknowledged. Each demands that we be in it, feeling what needs to experienced, doing what needs to be done, and sharing and loving with our whole hearts as we go. Life is like that; rich; deeply textured; and simply fantastical.

I am learning that the source of my joy and life's purpose is living mindfully, connected, immersed in love, with gratitude for the opportunities to experience my full range of emotions and evolve with each one.

And for that, I am truly grateful.

Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life. ~ Leo Buscaglia

Perfect Order

Life
from the outset doesn't
unfold in an orderly fashion or
take a direct route.
Rather -
It unravels -
distracting, disturbing and challenging us -
taking us on detours, places we need to go
to get the experiences we need
to learn and grow.
To evolve.

Life
delivers pain and angst
pushing us to our breaking point
showing and reminding us
just how strong we are
filling us with joy and happiness
rich textures and dazzling colours.
What appears as utter chaos
is in fact perfect order
realized in hindsight or
With faith.

Contrasts

It's a textured weave, this life we live.
A juxtaposition of
good and bad,
happy and sad
served up daily
tasty and distasteful
celebration and grief
shock and surprise.

A graduation was celebrated
new beginnings
start of a grown-up life
whilst
across the world
a boy sixteen
lost his fight
a life was mourned.

There's no sense to make
it simply is
elation and devastation
unlikely cohabitants
ironic
we are left to
seek the gifts in
life.

The Root Problem

Swirling in a whirlwind. It's one of those times when colour, crazy, workloads, and obligations collide. It isn't always pretty. But today I put metal to the pedal and by lunchtime, I could finally exhale. I paused. Fatigue slowly drained from my very being and the weight lifted. I could breath. And I did. Deeply.

I sang country music all the way home.I belted it out. If I'm singing - I'm joyful. And it felt like freedom - until I remembered that I have a root canal tomorrow.

I got an email:

From: Dr. Simon  Dentist
To: Lynda
Subject: Dental Appointment
Hello Lynda, we have you in the schedule for tomorrow, Tues.Oct.29th @11:30am. Cheers, Dianna
-----------
To: Dr. Simon  Dentist
Sent: 2013-‎10-‎28
Thx Dianna. I'm looking forward to it. 

Sometimes I am such a goof.

The good news is that after my root canal, I will have one less thing on my "to do" list and one step closer to enjoying the anticipation of my upcoming Tanzanian trip.

I am off to sing myself to sleep!

Celebrations

We said our final goodbye in a church packed to the rafters with family, chosen family and church family. We celebrated the life and sung the praises of this tough lady, and sung our hearts out to her favourite sacred music. It was a rousing, inspirational, spiritually uplifting home-going. Words were said; tears were shed. As the pastor (her son) so wisely articulated, he was not sorry (for his loss) - he was sad. And so it was on a sunny Saturday in November, after 91 years of hardships and triumphs, that this fine lady was put to rest, and her beloved sons and their families gathered on the curb to watch the hearse roll slowly out of sight. Another chapter closed.

And later that same day, the tribe congregated to eat cake! Family came from far and near to fulfill my eldest daughter's birthday wish to be immersed in the love of her family to commemorate her thirty-year milestone. I tried in vain to get a female superhero (she likes that stuff) put on her cake but they were fresh out. So she played the starring role as superhero on her own cake, and in the end, it was far more fitting. Her party was a team effort, decorated with sisterly love, and served up in true famjam style. Words were said; tears were shed, and we celebrated the woman she has become. She glowed - and her happiness showed.

And so it goes... celebrating life.

Slow Lane

I was ready well ahead of schedule this morning -- you won't hear me say that too often. The hair went well, there was nothing to iron, and nothing that needed shaving. Before I knew it I was honking the horn as I passed my parents' place twenty minutes earlier than usual.

As I merged onto the highway, I decided to stay in the slow lane. There was no need to hurry, I wasn't feeling particulary rushed, and I thought it would be kinda nice to save some gas. So I locked in at 100 kilometres an hour and eased back into my seat. I smiled politely at the wild-eyed crazies who sped past me, tossing me nasty glares and hand gestures as they did so. I cranked up the radio a little louder, switched the station from the commute traffic report to a country music station, and sang my heart out for the 30 kms to work. And I daresay I sounded great!

And that is where I am right now in my life; I have happily moved over from the fast lane - speeding, passing and barely seeing little but the road in front - content to enjoy the view and relaxed pace of the slow lane. Life is short as it is; why would I want to race to the finish line?

There was a majestic hawk soaring in the sky; the sunrise reflected in my rear view mirror and with every mile, I could feel my shoulders drop a little lower and my stress ease. I started my day off on a happy country note. And I just decided that it's going to be a really good day!

Days Go By

It’s cliché. Days are running into one another, rushing by, picking up speed with each one that passes. Life is good – right now, in this moment in time. And every once in while, I wish with all my heart I could will the earth to stop turning and suspend time – freeze everyone in their current state - even if only for a brief pause.

Alas – it is not to be. Instead this rapid passage of time must be my inspiration to live presently in the full breadth and depth of each day; to fully express myself - and my love - to others; and to seek the joy and all that is mine to experience.

It’s cliché, I know. Life is but a fleeting wisp on the edge of a breeze, and all we can do is hold on and enjoy the vista. And be grateful for the ride.

Living and Leaving

I just missed him by ten minutes. I called to say happy birthday to my father-in-law but he had already left for work. He's not one for long phone chats or alot of fussing but he does enjoy having his family about. However he's working all weekend so the celebration will wait for a week.

Gear shift. My ex-father-in-law passed away yesterday at the age of 92. My girls were understandably upset;  and as with Jewish custom, he was put to rest today. Amid swirling snow and frigid temperatures we formed a circle around the freshly dug grave and watched the solid wood casket adorned with the carved Star of David disappear slowly into the ground. We tossed poppies into the grave to commemorate his military service as the rabbi chanted in Hebrew. Then came the final and most difficult obligation -- to bury the dead. Each one of us took our turn at shovelling dirt from the pile onto the casket. It was a jarring sight, driving home the finality of death. I watched as his estranged son poured four shovelfuls into the hole -- one for he and his wife and for each of his sons, both of whom were not present, nor who were known to their grandfather. It was a heart wrenching sight. Were there regrets; words left unsaid? Would he find peace?

My daughter and I drove home in a blizzard, processing this ritual of death, discussing customs and these rituals that we cling to to ease us through this labyrinth that is our life.

Hubby just handed me the phone with a smile; my father-in-law was on the other end. My FIL joked that he and his son had run out of words in their conversation .... and then proceeded to chatter (uncharacteristically) about his day and all of the birthday wishes he received. He was clearly touched that his brothers had reached out to him and that he had heard from his loved ones. We agreed that a year lived was something that deserved celebrating. And so we will.

Today was a day of celebrating my father in laws --

one - a long life well lived, the return of his body from where it came, and the leaving of his spirit from this earth, and

the other - a year of life and milestone birthday (cheque is in the mail!)

Goodbye. You were loved.  Happy birthday. You are loved by many.

Life is a twisted yarn of irony, surprises, and mysteries. And that is what makes it worth living. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Tribe Time

Kitchen chatter

Friday night was a historical one - at least for our family, and for several reasons. It was the first time the parents of my daughter and her fiancee met, and it was the first time that all my husbands - exes and present - were together in celebration, in one room. My future son-in-law has an extended family as well and he was proudly represented by his mom and step-dad, and his father. It sounds complicated, however it was a relaxing family mosaic of diverse personalities and relationships bound together by the abiding love for the young couple.

We nibbled, drank, laughed, teased and debated around our dining room table. We exchanged memories, and ideas, and frivolity and joy reigned supreme on the beaming faces that lined the perimeter.

There was consensus - we all liked one another! I think even the dog liked everyone or at least no one got bitten. Life serves up some pretty tough challenges and lessons and sometimes, when it all comes together so easily, it is reason to rejoice and hold tight these gems. They are off to a fine start!

Harmony and her beloved are fortunate; they are anchored by a council of wise elders ha! and have a large, loving tribe to support them in their journey. They are loved by many, and now, with the tribe expanding to encompass even more, so are we all!

Pups, Pregnancy and Pictures

What a relief to awake to sunshine today after a full week of dreary. A sunbeam streamed in the window, beckoning to me. So I left my nasty headache on my pillow and joined the day; I had a good feeling ... and rightfully so!

Another fur-ball joined the tribe. My almost thirty daughter she hates when I say that picked up her puppy this morning and brought it over for a Fritz inspection. Of course the precious little ball of fur with the button nose sucked us all in and we found ourselves cooing and speaking in high pitched baby voices. Fritz was skittish and confused. He went nose to nose with the pint-size while we held our collective breath, hoping he wouldn't pull a sudden lunge or nasty attack. But he didn't. It was as though he knew that this little one was harmless and needed a delicate touch. In mere moments, the little puppy was shadowing Fritz all over the house. So, so cute and endearing.

Next on my agenda today was a little photo shoot for a young couple expecting a baby in January. My Tender Heart friend is going to be a grandma and I offered to document the pregnancy. We headed to the lake on this perfect fall day and soon we had a little audience watching the loving young couple pose for me.   The banter between the couple was easy and affectionate; and I couldn't help but get caught up in the joy of impending parenthood. I teased them and cracked inappropriate jokes to try to ease them into the poses. We exchanged "when I was pregnant" stories and we laughed as the lingering audience tossed out little quips and advice. Just like puppies, everyone loves a pregnant woman ... and the possibility and potential she carries under her blouse.

It's been a while since I've done a photo shoot for someone else and I thoroughly enjoyed it even though my DSLR and I are in the process of getting reacquainted. It was a good day, filled with life -- fur, button noses, beaming faces, bulging bellies - other than mine - and photos. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Meet Runyon - my daughter's pup 

Parents in waiting

Measuring the girth

Something to Celebrate

I did it! I managed to keep a secret for a few minutes until my daughter and her fiancee could deliver their news in person to all of their parents. My daughter is getting married. She will be the first of our next generation to do so just as I was in my family.

When you hold your baby in your arms you get momentary flash forwards -- first steps; graduations; boyfriends; marriage; and more. It's hard for me to fathom that we have arrived at one of those flash forwards. Her voice on the other end of the phone was so solemn and quiet I starting wondering if she was going to tell me that I was going to be a grandmother. That news if it ever comes will have to wait.

Right now we have a wedding to plan and considering that the family alone (9 parents and 9 grandparents to start with) comes close to 80, we're going to need alot of party hats.

My baby is getting married and I only have a few months to impart my volume of marriage advice ... starting with to always kiss one another good night! Muah!

Hot Water

Life is simple at the cottage; we have indoor plumbing but no hot water. It's not a huge problem -- I clean up in the lake and on occasion have been known to take quick, "refreshing" showers. But hubby bought a midget sized hot water heater to replace the defunct, rusted version that sits under the decking now. The only problem is that the job to hook up the new one is not straight forward and requires some tools that need to be mustered. It's comforting to know that someday, the water will  run hot and steamy.

Last weekend as hubby and I lounged lazily on the deck at the cottage after a morning of swimming and sunning (me) and clearing (him), we received a text from my daughter informing us that there was no hot water at home. We looked at one another trying to conceal our mutual panic. I jumped on the phone to confirm my suspicions and hubby starting closing up the windows ...

The hot water tank had flooded the basement. With three hours to home, our daughter held back the tidal wave with the shop vac and a tidy selection of towels while Kidlet rescued her hockey equipment from harm.

The little episode cut our weekend a little short but we were grateful that the damage was minimal. Lucky us. I won't tell you where we keep our horseshoe!

As I search for the gift and lesson in this little adversity, I can only conclude that it seems the universe is taking heroic measures to keep us out of hot water.

Change Is Gonna Come

The words of the Sam Cooke anthem blasted in my ears as I ran on the treadmill -- "I know a change is gonna come oh yes it will". As the rhythmic pounding of my feet on the rubber ramp lulled me into deep contemplation, I thought about how life is served up in stages of change, adjustment and stabilization. Right now the winds of change are blowing, barreling  through... I can feel the earth tilting, shifting, for me and those whom I love.

Our grand lady Doris is transitioning from my Dad and T's place to assisted independent living. Nothing final yet, however the process is underway. My daughter put the bow on the job she enjoyed but felt was limiting her, and parked it to pursue her dreams. Kidlet just got home from university, then Italy and now is leaving for the Caribbean for a 3 week mission trip. The luggage hasn't cleared the front hallway for weeks and the laundry is still MIA. My sis-in-law just got married and we are settling into a new family rhythm on that front. At my office we got new leadership and change is atmospheric there too. To add yet another layer of excitement to the change brew, my Pops is having  a very serious surgery in a month to revitalize him and ensure his mobility so he is in prep mode (making like a navy seal plotting to overthrow the enemy). And of course there's the whole dance with middle age that delivers up daily surprises -- most of which is NOT covered in any of those self help books, so I won't even touch on these relentless power surges that are plaguing empowering me. (Yes I want some cheese with my whine!)

I know that for some, change can be a source of uncertainty and cause anxiety. However despite any misgivings I may have, the excitement of possibility always eclipses the fear. Change agitates and stimulates. It swirls and surrounds and leaves you breathless - but exhilarated. Change makes life interesting and even more so when it is embraced. So I am going to put my arms around it and give it a big ol' hug. Cause life is about to get very interesting ...

Resolve to be a master of change rather than a victim of change.
- Brian Tracy

Peculiarly Circular

Life is peculiarly circular.

When we are born, we emerge from loins of pain, and similarly, when we exit we leave a labyrinth of pain for our loved ones to navigate.
We welcome triumphantly the birth of a new life, and we celebrate the life that has been lived, but is no more.

Tears, pain, and love in doses we can barely handle - at either end. Funny, similar, familiar feelings at polar opposite ends of the life spectrum.

Life is so peculiarly circular.

Musical Good-bye

I expected it to be difficult - even gut wrenching. Funerals are like that. But the moment that kicked open the floodgates was when my little friend took her place in front of the piano to honour her departed husband. She poured her anguish and love into every note of her powerful musical good bye. Her body followed her hands racing up and down the keyboard, and as she reached the segue in the piece she took a big breath, her face wrenched in utter grief, tears rolling down her cheeks - before plunging powerfully into the change up.

The notes sang her reluctant farewell to the husband who she loved for more than 24 years. And after she was finished, the room erupted into spontaneous applause.

You did good Mouse.

Passages, Messages and Connections

Hard to believe a week has passed since my last post. Let me tell you, a lot of life can happen in a week.

In the last seven days I

• travelled to the east coast for a rainy two days;
• caught up with West Coast Cuz via phone chat marathon
• talked wedding with MIH (about sis-in-law's upcoming nuptials)
• spent an hour on Skype debating politics with my Dad (who is in Florida) and swapping weight woes with my step-mom; 
• had dinner with Harmony (middle daughter) who made an impromptu visit in from the city;
• made Kidlet tuna sandwiches like the "old" days (she was home again for the weekend);
• conspired with Jilly to do something nice for our friend whose husband was sick with cancer;
• made a call to my friend whose husband passed away (we're still going to do something nice);
• caught up with friend for life Carman ...  to tell him the sad news.

East coast, west coast and south coast. Weddings and funerals. Family and friends. Life was the mighty agitator, swirling emotions, relationships, debates, passages and conversations into that uneven pathway that marks our journey. Did I mention I slept alot? Sometimes living can really make you tired!

Fog and Faith

I drove into work this morning in fog so dense that I could only see the tail lights of the car in front of me. It was surreal; the towers of lights that line the highways wore halos and gave off a soft glow and everything else was shrouded in white thick mist. Perfect for Halloween. Happy to have my new glasses.

It occurred to me that driving in fog is alot like living - with only the road directly in front visible to us. We are aware that there is more, that other roads and possibilities are within reach, sensed but not seen, and they become revealed to us gradually, in their own time with shifts and changes. I suppose that is what faith is … the confidence in knowing that if you stay the course, life will be revealed as it should. And it has.

How exciting is that?

Falling Into Place

Life is fascinating and complex.

Some day you will look back on your life;

and what seemed like utter chaos and troubled times,

years later, will look like a perfectly put together puzzle,

with all of the pieces having fallen into place.

Life is funny like that.

I have learned to trust that my life is unfolding as it should.

It's what makes life the ultimate orderly adventure that it is.

And for that I am truly grateful.

Simple Time

Photo credit: Billboard.com

For my birthday Hubby gave me tickets to the James Taylor/Carole King Troubadour tour. *sweet*   It's no secret how much I LOVE acoustic, singer/songwriters and these are two of my favourite. Okay, maybe I'm stuck in a bit of  time warp. Do you think??

Carole King is from the decade before I was a teen but then again I've always felt I was born ten years too late. I related to the laid back, folksy vibe of the late sixties and early seventies and loathed the overproduced sounds of disco and the eighties' music. boo to that!  Give me an artist who can sit at a piano or with their guitar and sing their own material - and sound like their recordings. Enter John Denver. It was not cool to like John Denver ... in fact I don't remember any of my friends liking JD. I was pretty much the lone folk freak in my crowd. But his soaring vocals singing the virtues of nature and freedom and of course, love and peace were the anthems of my teenage-hood.

But with that folksy vibe, came a relaxed way of life. Dressing was easy ... what shirt to wear with your jeans. You washed your hair with baby shampoo - no products required, and sexy hair was shiny and soft to the touch.  I don't remember alot of conversation and fretting about weight - maybe that's because there wasn't alot of show and tell in the body parts department. The thong hadn't been invented (so there was something between me and my Calvins) and neither had lingerie for teenagers.

Life was simple and natural was in. My friend Jill once cracked that my "style" hadn't changed since the seventies ... and it occurred to me today as I hung up my favourite LL Bean flannel shirt that she may be right. So cultural rut or not - I am going to be in acoustic heaven when I go to the concert next month -- and something tells me there are going to be alot of long gray ponytails in the audience - and I'm not talking about the girls!

Now what shirt should I wear with my jeans?

Circle

I stand in the church, head bowed, gripping the pew in front of me. The congregation is praying as instructed by the priest, but my eyes are open, my stare alternating from the popping veins in my hands to the draped casket parked at the foot of the alter.

It is the funeral of my friend's father. It is the first loss they are experiencing as a family; a parade of bewildered eyes, profound, stoic sadness and blank faces as they follow the casket of their beloved. My heart aches for them, and then my heart aches for me. My mind takes a travel back to another time and space. Another loss of profound sadness. Another reluctant goodbye.

I retrace the final days leading up to the impromptu meeting with "the team". The moment when the medical wizards looked at me with collective sympathetic eyes and told me that there was nothing left to be done; that my family and me should start preparing ourselves. I remember smiling, nodding and politely thanking them for all they had done. I remember my body executing the proper social graces as my mind raced with my heart in close contention. I was weightless, unable to connect with my physical self as my thoughts operated erratically - independently.

I fast forward the memory to the final hours of her life. The phone call in the middle of the night ... "your mother is experiencing acute respiratory distress ..." . The panicked drive to the hospital with my family. The horrific sound of laboured breathing greeting us as the elevator doors opened. The look of hopelessness in my mother's eyes as they inserted chest tubes.

It was over. My optimism was brutally invaded by the realization that the end was waiting in the wings -- and the doctor's hand on my shoulder confirmed the worst.

And in the end -- the very end, we formed a ring of love around our angel. She opened her eyes one final time, and blinked when we asked her if she was going. And bathed in pink glowing light, she passed over. We felt it. As she departed, she gave us a final gift - a millisecond of utter bliss and peace - and we knew she was free.

It had been easy to finally let her go. It was like childbirth; pain greater than anything I had ever endured, followed by a flood of emotion, and finally - a lifechanging moment as special as one can be.

Since my mother's passing, at every funeral I attend, I retrace as others pray. But the important lesson I garnered from the experience of ushering my mom to her eternity, was that there are things worse than death; and that death can be the beautiful, bittersweet closure of the circle that is life.