On My Way Back to Myself

I've missed you. To be honest, it feels a little strange to be back in this space that was once my place of comfort; exploration and creativity. I strayed; I experienced alot of life; and I reflected. And  just as life famously does, it has deposited me back at the doorstep of this blog. It is calling me and I am ready. It's not unlike dusting off an old trunk of precious treasures and memorabilia.

Last weekend I was at a two-day retreat, Journey to Rise. I went to support my friend Laura and in the process I was awakened to what I have learned over the years of reading, manifesting and knew to be true. I had a sign...I heard people repeatedly calling my mother's name, Roma. It's not a common name especially if you are of Irish/French Canadian descent. And then I realized the gentle healing dog that greeted each of us was named Roma. I warmed at every mention.

I meditate, well, at least since last weekend. I am not good at it. I struggle to keep my mind from cycling and to be still in the quiet. But I have to believe that I'll get better at it.  I have been starting small with short 10-12 minute long guided meditations - last thing I do before I fall asleep and the first thing in the morning. I have been sleeping deeper  and have felt joy radiating from my deepest being all week.

When my eyes are closed and no matter what the meditation calls for, the word LOVE pops up, in fuchsia, blue and purple. What do you want? LOVE. What is your reason for gratitude? LOVE. What do you picture your future self doing? LOVING. I am LOVE.

And my purpose is right there, lurking in the distance, gradually coming into focus.

I am writing. I am creating. I am listening to music. I am reconnecting and strengthening my connections (more about that in my next post) and I feel a deep peace and feeling of gratitude.

I am on my way back to myself.

Moved

I'll remember the summer of 2015 as the summer that never was; and the summer in which everything changed. We're moved. Sounds so simple and easy to write, but the truth be told, in the past three months I was tested to my limit, and survived by looking only at what was in front of me at any given moment, and not too far ahead. "Eye on the prize" was our mantra as we juggled the responsibilities of our life, keeping all the balls in the air. I've never felt so exhausted and depleted in my entire life.

But it was all worth it.

As I packed my life into tidy little boxes I resisted the urge to revisit memories of what was, avoiding the emotional upheaval that comes with leaving a home of almost twenty-eight years. The empty rooms echoed with the laughter and chatter of little girls and countless famjams, and shadows of heartbreak still remained. But I couldn't help but smile as I excavated precious treasures -- baby teeth left behind by a forgetful Tooth Fairy; Kidlet's will that she wrote when she was thirteen; notes and lists written in my mom's handwriting; and old journals. I was truly moved.

In the midst of preparing our cottage and home for sale, we were in wedding mode with my eldest daughter Lyndsay marrying her sweetheart Jenny. My family and I love any opportunity to celebrate and rejoice together and I didn't want the wedding overshadowed by any anxiety or fatigue I was experiencing. I needn't have worried. The ceremony was deeply moving  and the love that filled the space was palpable. The wedding was like being in the eye of a storm -- calm and serene and FUN.
The eye moved on and we moved to our new home two days later.

It took a village - but we made it and came out the other side. Our parents showed up offering support, food and drink and we christened our new home in fine form.

The very first night that Hubby and I took possession of the schoolhouse, we slept on a blow up mattress so we could wake up to the view of the cathedral of trees and greenery. We didn't get much sleep, but it did not disappoint.

And as I sit here amid stacks of partially opened, unpacked boxes, and a chorus of crickets chirping, I feel overwhelmed in the best possible way. I marvel at the goodness that life has delivered to me and I am grateful. Grateful and moved.

PS- I'm back!

Went to sleep amid the chaos of unpacking 

Woke up to this view

Dreamchanger

Five years ago Hubby and I went out on a limb; make a snap decision; and boldly bought a rustic cottage on a tranquil lake (that means alot to both of us) -- without even stepping foot inside. It was perfect for us, and we knew it instantly. After visiting the bank for suggestions on how to buy a cottage with no cash, and after three days of it being listed, we owned our dream pursuit.

Over the past five years we enjoyed every moment we spent in the cosy cottage, inhaling the kind of peace that only comes with being immersed in nature, swimming in the pristine lake and cherishing those quiet moments that inspire creativity.

But Hubby and I want something more; we want our tranquility to last past the weekend and we want to fall asleep and wake up to a chorus of birds chirping and crickets singing. We want to live in the country. So this weekend we listed our beloved Falconridge. And as if in support of our difficult decision, we were blessed with one of the most private and peaceful weekends we have had in two years. It was truly special and just want we needed. We worked hard to get the place in shape for showing. Hubby exhibited his Herculean strength in lifting the dock ramp and connecting it to the dock, and lugging the Muskoka chairs and canoes down to the lake. He admitted that he was grateful that this would be the last time he had to do it.

Then we exhaled. We reminisced about the wonderful, special times we'd shared at the cottage and then turned our focus to the future. It will be hard to let go of something so special, that had become a part of us, but we both agree - there is something exciting for us in the future. A new dream. And the pursuit of that dream will be thrilling and invigorating, just like all the rest. And that is what makes life so rich and wonderful. Life is good.

And for that, I am truly grateful.

No Restraint

Fear. It's a restraining order.

You dream big - bigger than you think you ought to.
You visualize it, internalize, put it out there and release it to the universe.

You fill with joy of what is possible and just when you feel it inflating you, lifting your weightlessness into the air, fear creeps in and drops you soundly down to earth.

Fear plants you in your place - if you let it.

We somehow believe that if we curb our enthusiasm and optimism, our disappointment will also be curbed if and when we don't realize our dreams. We think that if we don't dream or expect good things to happen, we will avoid disappointment.

Not true.

Disappointment and heartache - whether shared publicly or felt privately - never feel good, and will be experienced inevitably regardless if you invested your heart and soul.

I just contradicted my personal formula for happiness: that expectation less reality equals disappointment. That is, if you have huge expectations and the reality is that very little of them will be met, it could result in a big disappointment. However I use this formula pertaining more to attitude... you walk around with expectations of others, of circumstances as opposed to simply appreciating the now and what. For example, rather than enjoy the party you throw for your family - the ones who showed up, and the conversation and events that unfold - you size it up to the great expectations you had and lament those who weren't there and the "stuff" that didn't come off as you had intended. The reality doesn't meet the grand expectations you had and therefore delivers disappointment.

But I am not talking about that. I am referring to the vision, dreams and hopes we have for our life. If we attempt to preempt disappointment with restraint and limitation, we cheat ourselves of the hope and positive feelings that are generated - the best parts of the journey.

Of course if we fail to realize any version of our dreams, we could of course, find disappointment. However that wouldn't mitigate all of the good stuff we experience along the way. If you don't allow yourself to dream big, or dream at all, you may never be disappointed but you will have also robbed yourself of good feelings - purpose, joy, anticipation, and just plain old fun.

Shun the restraining order and issue yourself a new edict: Dream with wild abandon and move fearlessly in the direction of your dreams. Revel in the anticipation, planning, visualizing and creating. Enjoy the experience and the breathlessness of wondering "what if". It's worth the ride.

Birthday Revelations and Evolution

 It's my birthday! I suppose I should be humble about it all but to frank, I feel like shouting it from the rooftops. I am filled to overflowing with joy and gratitude.

So many wonderful things have happened and been given to me over the days leading up to and including today. I had floated a request to my loved ones for donations to Good Hope in lieu of presents and they came through. They donated more than $500 to the cause. It was special to have my birthday have so much meaning...

The past few days have been a whirlwind of social connection and LOTS of eating: schnitzel with my work colleagues, Thai with Elysia and Shirley, ribs lovingly prepared by my father-in-law (nothing says 'I love you' like dinner!) wrapping up with steak and chicken grilled by hubby. Cherry pie, cheesecake, birthday cake and apple crisp -- I foresee double-time on the treadmill in  my future.

My day started with me opening a text message from my far away sister - a video of herself whistling "happy birthday". I didn't even know she could whistle! Not to be outdone, my local sister called me up and started singing happy birthday to me - and despite my pleas to stop - she finished the whole song. God I love having sisters!

My girls and their significant others migrated back home for our family dinner and amidst it all - I felt contented and complete.

And when each birthday rolls around, it queues retrospection; each year and my age become my favourite. I am not sure if life gets better and sweeter or if my appreciate does.

At fifty-four I am still a work in progress, educating myself about social justice and the human condition, allowing myself to be changed by my experiences, evolving, and seeking to become the best possible version of myself.

Me 'au naturel' - make up free at fifty-four. My face is lined with the road map of my life - my triumphs and challenges, my loves and losses. And I am really okay with all of it! I've earned every wrinkle and crevice.

I try not to question why I am so fortunate and blessed in a world where there is much need and sadness. I prefer to simply honour and appreciate every gift and aspect of my life. I love my life and the precious souls who accompany me on my journey. And for that - and so much more - I am eternally grateful. Thank you

Progress

Photo courtesy of Good Hope Facebook page

Months after signing on for a volunteer trip with Cross Cultural Solutions to Tanzania, and just a few days until I depart, I finally received my assignment. I'll be spending my days at the Good Hope Support Organization. They provide education, skills, knowledge, support, comfort, safety and love to children infected or affected with HIV/AIDS, orphans, people suffering from illness and the disadvantaged in order to help them create an empowering life of hope. I could be doing any one or more of the following duties:

• Support the group in their pursuit for healthy and sustainable livelihoods
• Engage in discussion and exchange ideas on issues such as family health, women’s rights, access to resources, income generation, etc.
• Collaborate and support the center on-going projects
• Teach conversational English and pronunciation
• Be a positive role model
• Advise their group by making/designing brochures, website, and business cards
• Share fundraising skills and participate in fundraising
• Teach kids (secondary school)
• Participate in outreach activities (Home visits to the sick)
• Participate in counseling

This is the work assignment I had hoped for. I have so much I want to know and learn, and so many people I want to meet. I loved these words on their website:

The lives of Good Hope co-founders mirror those they service. Therefore, they are able to walk within the community with empathy, outstretched arms and open hearts ready to embrace, lift up and support those who may need comfort, care and/or medical support.

My heart is already full to overflowing and this clinched it.

Dream On

Fifty years ago, Martin Luther King courageously and eloquently shared his dream for a better America; a kinder, gentler world, free of prejudice and hatred. This monumental speech was delivered with such conviction and passion, that the message continues to resonate, and is as relevant, to this very day.

Today was cause for reflection and introspection. I too have a dream:

I dream of a world
in which my children,
everyone's children,
and everyone everywhere
can be free to be
exactly who they are -
their authentic selves,
love who they love,
without judgement,
discrimination,
nor hatred.

I dream of a world
in which
L O V E
is greater than
fear of that which
we do not understand;
stronger than hatred;
more resilient than prejudice; and
humanity remembers
we are
one.


Thank you MLK for your shining light and reminding us that change starts with a vision -- a dream of something bigger and better.

Kick Start

Sometimes it's the little things that make my day... like the wrapper on my cereal bag that says "created with love, from our kitchen to yours!" I can't help but smile when I read that... before viciously tearing into the bag of nutty goodness. 

And then there is my infamous "banana-grams". When I was a manager in another lifetime, I would write happy messages on bananas and leave them randomly on the desks of my staff. Some thought it was dumb; others smiled. However, regardless of the reaction, it planted a seed of good and happy to start the day. Sometimes we have to look for the love; for the tender, encouraging messages from the universe. We have to pay attention to see the signs that are sent our way. 

So today I gave myself a reminder to make my day a great one; to create some happy.It is after all, a choice!

A fierce growl just came from my stomach so I may be devouring "happy" shortly!

Vibrating and Gyrating

In an early morning chat with a colleague, I was explaining how we are all just energy vibrating at varying frequencies.  I was encouraging her to seek her highest self and operate at a higher frequency, and assuring her that if she did so, she would find that she attracts "like" energy -- people, situations and things. hmm I am not sure why that came out of my mouth but it was a classic "we teach that which we most need to learn" moment. I needed that timely reminder of a principle that I have embraced all my adult life, and one which has served me well and been instrumental in me creating the life I desired.

I was overdue for an alignment and the reminders came aplenty! I was inches away from locking my keys in my car today after I made an impromptu decision to walk to the gym instead of driving, My bag was in the car and I got distracted changing my heels out for my sneakers and almost shut the locked door with my keys on the backseat. Phew -- dodged a bullet! Not so fast...

Hit the change room and was ready - water bottle in hand - to hit the gym when I realized that I had locked the security pass in the locker -- along with the key to the padlock dangling on the locker -- along with my car keys, cell phone and work security pass. Cr@p! I started to vibrate all right... Humbled and embarrassed, I found the nice maintenance man who had a nice big set of cutters and begged asked him for help. He assured me that this kind of thing happened all of the time. "Really?" I asked. "Actually no -- but I didn't want to make you feel any worse."

After I completed my sweaty two miles and changed back into my work clothes, a coffee was in order. (Hey -- I skipped the sugar!) A sweet little lady ahead of me in line was in the midst of being rejected by a clerk who explained that she didn't have enough on her Tim Hortons' card to pay for her banana strawberry smoothie. She looked perplexed and confused just standing there. I signaled to the clerk to fulfill her order which unleashed a frenzy of good wishes and gratitude. The lady almost cried; the girl in the line behind me patted my back and another yelled across the restaurant -- "there are still nice people in the world" -- which then triggered a chorus of agreement and nodding. Who would have thought two dollars could be worthy of so much attention. I left a little lighter and happier with a tear for that sweet little lady who seemed to be invisible to the clerk; her humanity disguised in a face of misfortune.

So on the last leg of my day's journey, a forty-five minute commute in torrential rain - after I set my car alarm off and couldn't get it to stop - I avoided being side-swiped by a car who didn't check their blind spot. Dodged another bullet.

It's been a long day chock full of major and minor mishaps, with wonderfully inspiring notes as well. I was reminded to seek the humour in, and release, that over which I have no control. And although I will try harder to vibrate at a higher frequency -- today I was merely gyrating -- and some days are just like that!

Small Steps

They say you are what you eat. So these days I am spinach, cabbage, peppers, sweet potatoes, blueberries, Greek yogurt  chicken, strawberries, carrots, celery, mangoes, chick peas, kidney beans, quinoa, brown rice, eggs, pork, cheese, turnips, zucchini, squash, lentils, steak, bananas, grapefruit, apples, cantaloupe, blackberries, walnuts, almonds and watermelon. [Please note that not all of the aforementioned are consumed in a single sitting.]

I am focused on one thing – ensuring that anything that passes my lips must be good for me. I am taking a “make every calorie count” approach but I am not counting calories. I cut processed foods and refined sugar out of my diet: 1) to see what would happen, and 2) because I learned that sugar fuels cancer. I get my share of sweet stuff from all the fruit I eat. And I also cut wheat after experiencing some major bloating – and heaven knows I don’t need yet another belly.

So after three weeks, I am encouraged and I feel great. When I look down I can see my belt buckle and I can twirl the waistband on my skirt. It made me so happy I did it all day long. AND I have closed the gaps in my shirts that used to reveal my oh-so-not stylish support garments! I put my pants on this morning and they were longer than I remembered .... a belt was needed to hold them up -- and the belt actually fit around my hips! Small miracles.

Small changes; small steps; and 10 minutes to my local YWCA. I had a good talk with myself and I decided that if I could give up every pleasure I knew while I was expecting for a baby, I could give up things that don't help me -- for me!

I'll post pictures later... off to have dinner with my lifelong friend Jill, and show her my shrinking rolls. There'll be less of me to love. : )

Unexpected Surprise

It seems the seasons are as fickle as I am ... balmy and rainy one day - freezing and snowy the next. Winter can't commit! On one hand I enjoy the unpredictability of it all ... writing hearts and happy faces in the snow on my hubby's windshield and sporting my puffy sub-zero tolerant down coat one day - and the next - splashing in springlike misty rain. On the other hand, I worry about the effects of global warming and how different winters in Canada are now from those of my childhood. The frigid used to set in by November and last straight through March - with no reprieve. Not so anymore.

There is lots going on in my life right now - I'm changing gears as quickly as the weather. Hubby and I landed an extraordinary opportunity to go to China and so I am brushing up on my Mandarin, arranging our visas (which ask if I have suffered any mental issues???) and planning our adventure. Hubby and I had just been discussing how it had been a long time since we had been on an adventure together and with our cottage sucking a big chunk of our funds, it wasn't looking like that was going to change any time soon. But just when you can't see possibility on the horizon -- opportunity comes knocking and your dreams materialize from wishes to reality. F A I T H   It's always worked that way for me. I've been fortunate and it has made me a fearless dreamer.

China wasn't on my bucket list but it landed in our lap. China must have something to teach me, so we will go with open hearts and minds and be grateful for this unexpected gift.  

I hope where ever you are, what ever stage of your life that you are in, that you dare to dream, and then walk boldly towards them. 

Now -- the hardest decision -- will it be a rain trench or down fill coat for tomorrow?

Divorce

d i v o r c e.  It was something spelled out in an old country tune by Tammy Wynette. It was a subject whispered about in hushed tones between grown ups, and something I only heard about, but didn't know about close up. That is - until I brought divorce to our family.

It was a foreign concept to me. I had been raised by two parents who were passionate about one another. They argued hard, and they loved harder. No matter what was going on in our family or between them, there was never any question that they were a couple; a team. My dad was never one for public displays of affection but in our home they were all hands on deck. They hugged, snuggled, squeezed and my father often watched tv with his head in my mother's lap. Their old double bed sagged in the middle from where they slept in one another's arms. I wanted that unconditional, stand by you, you're the only one for me, you rock my world kind of marriage.

I could go on in great lengths about the turmoil and pain I went through arriving at the decision to finally end my marriage(s). No doubt it was difficult, just as it was in telling my parents and close friends. But I would be deceiving myself if I didn't admit that the greatest pain of all was that which I caused my children. My choices turned their world upside down and disrupted the security and harmony that I had worked so hard to create in our home.

There is no making it up to them. What is done - is done. However I made it my mission to create a new kind of security for them; the comfort and stability that comes from knowing that you come from unconditional, omnipresent love that will never die. I am proud that their fathers and I made a conscious effort to be, and continue to be, solid, unwavering parents to them.

Here is the single most important key to creating a loving, extended tribe:
Our love for our kids is greater than any other abiding emotion we may have. Bigger than our anger, resentment, jealousy, or any other residual toxins that can remain from a broken relationship.

And so be it. I hope I have taught my girls that we are singularly responsible for the life we create for ourselves; but also that our lives intersect with many and they too deserve consideration and empathy.

Legacy

 

She was a fiery spirit cloaked in a quiet demeanor. She was a sidelines kind of person - content to sit back, one leg tucked up under her, the other one dangling, nodding, giggling and offering a word or two when the opportunity presented, but never vying for the spotlight.

She came in a diminutive package however offered more spunk per pound than anyone I knew. She was a peacemaker but not a push over -- not when it counted. And when she engaged her inner fury, it was unexpected, and effective. She could get your attention. It was a power she used sparingly - selectively. And as a young girl, I was always a little proud of her when she did.

She was quick to say "sure" and to offer whatever she had to give (even that which she didn't have). Anything I learned about giving, I learned from her. She was a dreamer and taught us that we were perfect manifestations of all that is good, and that we could create the life we wanted. She was content to stay on the sidelines, supporting and adopting the dreams of her husband.

Once in a while she would permit herself the luxury of wondering how her life would have looked if she had made different choices; stayed in school longer; studied her beloved Latin; traveled before having children. These mini laments would always end with -- "it all turned out how it should. I got you kids."

We always knew she was a giving little powerhouse, but nothing would prove it more than when she became ill. She fought her disease with an unfailing determination and focus and in the end, she won. She shared her journey with all of us and showed us how to honour the life that is be-gifted to us. She lived on her own terms and best of all, she left a family intact, closer than ever who speak her name every day. She is proof that love never dies.

And on this Mother's Day, I honour the living legacy that is my mom.

Reason to Believe

Notice "peaceful retreat - someday" in the middle of the list

I have always felt that the things I write about in my blog, come from the deepest part of myself. My posts are like notes to myself … what I love; what I think; what I need; how I feel; and what I wish. I was reading through some older posts served up by the widget at the bottom of the page, and I found it – proof positive of the adage “you think and it shall be”.

I have had a dream rolling around in the back alleys of my mind for as long as I can remember. I articulated it in a post from Aug 12, 2008:

These days I feel a strong compulsion to live on a rural piece of land, living a sustainable life in a green home, growing our own food, raising chickens for eggs and goats for milk -- never mind the cute factor! I want to create the kind of home that cultivates an airy peaceful existence.

I found a post in which I included an old wrinkled "wish" list, (see above) with the peaceful retreat listed. That list was from the 90's.

I wrote in March 20, 2010:

I find myself fantasizing about life amongst tall pines with a lullaby of waves hitting the shoreline. I plan how I will spend my imaginary win fall - the land I would buy; the sustainable abode I would build; the goats I would nurture.
And even though I have no reason to expect that I would have money to fund such dreams, my faith and confidence is unshakable. I know that if I internalize this dream, think creatively, and set sail in the general direction, the dream will materialize into reality. I just don't know when -- but I can't wait!

It’s true what I wrote – I had no extra money and no reason to believe that this dream could come true. That being said, I continued to “look” at lakefront property listings and fully internalize the vision. Then the perfect rustic cottage on the lake that hubby spent his childhood on popped into my IN BOX. I wrote this post in May 25, 2011:

Dreaming ... there is something magical and exciting about wanting something so much you can taste it, and being in hot pursuit. That's hubby and I right now. The planets are aligning - we are of one heart and mind - and it is taking us where we want to go. We used to flirt with the idea of having a peaceful retreat ... I say flirt because it didn't seem practical or doable at the time. But experience has taught me that if you paint a clear picture, plant that seed of a dream deep in the belly of desire, hold faith in your heart, all things are possible - in their own time.
Some people caution me to not get my hopes up, or get too excited just in case things don't work out. But I beg to differ. If the journey is the destination, then I  e n j o y  every leg of the journey ... the outcome is the icing on the cake.

And in June 4, 2010

NOTHING comes close; it's the absolute best, living your dream. And if you are lucky INTENT, the life you have created is your dream.
That's me now. Living in the present. Living large with big dreams. Casting off baggage of fear and limitation, with only an INFINITE horizon of possibility in my sights.

And finally on June 23,2010:

Hubby and I signed off at the lawyers and take possession Friday. I can say with all honesty that I have never had a dream unfulfilled ... and by the time I return from Kenya in July, I will have the list fully checked off. Of course I will start a new one, but hey, for a few minutes, I'll bask in utter contentment and gratitude. Lucky me; lucky us. So today, the earth moved under my feet - in so many ways....

So my wish for you is that you dream with wild abandon; without pragmatic editing, and that you articulate and share those dreams with people you care about. Be fearless. Be bold. Enjoy the "what ifs", the anticipation and the journey.  It works.

Triggers and Lessons

Your song was playing when I turned on my car radio... the husky crooning of Louis Armstrong singing "and I said to myself, what a wonderful world". I smiled and thought of you. These gentle triggers come at times I need them most. I thought about how many times in a day I start a sentence with "my mom always told/taught me ...".

Your life lessons, delivered so casually, were profound. You were ahead of your time. Who talked about the mind, body, spirit connection in the early seventies - or the power of visualization? When I felt worried you would tell me close my eyes and make a mental list of everything that was upsetting me, and then picture myself loading  the "problems" into a trunk, locking it up, and then dropping it from a plane into the sea. If it's out of your control, let it go. Funny enough, I always felt lighter and relieved afterwards.

When I would lose something, you would tell me to go lie on my bed, close my eyes, breath slowly and deeply, the whole time affirming that "I know I will find [lost item -- usually my library books]. I know the answer will come to me".  It was like magic! I would inevitably get an image of where to find that which was misplaced. I felt powerful and confident.

You taught us to "accept" that which we needed --"I accept all the creativity and inspiration I need to complete this project" - as opposed to begging for it. You explained that all that we need already exists and is there for the accepting -- knowledge, wisdom, strength, courage, and creativity. It was a matter of learning to access it.

You taught us well Mom and I am still learning. You reminded us always that life is an exciting adventure and not to sweat the small stuff. Best of all you taught me to create the life I want to live and to trust that life is unfolding as it should. And you know what? I think I have, and I know it is!

I just decided!

Today is going to be a great day -- I just decided! Hope you make yours a great one too.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

- Groucho Marx

PS - I have this other little blog called Soul Snax -- a collection of my favourite quotes and quips and photos. It seems that whenever I decide I don't have time to keep it up, it gets another follower. Someone trying to tell me something?  

Blank Canvas

It’s 2011. A new year, A fresh page. A new chapter to be composed. I love this feeling lodged in my innermost being … twinges of anxiety mixed with infinite possibility.

2011 is a blank canvas, mine to imagine and to create.

I glance over my shoulder at 2010 and wish her a silent farewell, thanking her for the gifts she bestowed and left behind. “You are one my favourites, and I will remember you fondly.”

As for today, I set my course for that which lays before me. No doubt there will be uncharted milestones; events; challenges; passings; celebrations; reactions; responses; and choices.

I am choosing to honour this gift of time - this gift of life - to live it fully, deeply and broadly with every fibre of my being. I am resolved to live presently and with gratitude.

I am fortunate in that from where I sit, it is indeed a happy new year; I think about those for whom it is not so much. I cannot cure all the world's ails however I plan to be a soothing remedy and instrument of service whenever I can, and to add my spark to the chorus of light.
Reflect, Remember. Recharge. Reset. Go.

Life Lessons From My Mother

Happy birthday Mom. It is hard for me to imagine you as an aging lady; you are frozen in time at 58. It's almost 13 years ago that you left us, and I swear a day hasn't passed in which I haven't spoken your name, shared some snippet of wisdom you imparted or thought about something you did or said that made me smile.

Today I celebrate your special day by sharing some of the lessons you taught us ...

To those who did not know her well my mom appeared a small, timid person; easy going and pleasant; a contrast to Dad’s flamboyant, outgoing personality. To those closest to her, she was an unwavering rock; deeply philosophical, spiritual person in a very private way. She meditated regularly to help achieve an inner serenity and peace that was so critical to her maintaining her trademark optimistic disposition.

The number one most important principle she taught us was to seek the gift in every adversity. She believed that we are here on earth to evolve and mature spiritually and therefore have many lessons to learn. She felt our earthly life provided us with the opportunities to experience, make choices, feel consequences, learn from them and aspire to greater understanding. It was because she was so busy trying to find the lesson in every hurdle that she did not perceive herself as having “bad things happen to her”.

She once used the analogy of life as a hurdle race …. You start the race expecting hurdles and when each one is encountered, you make your very best attempt to clear the hurdle with the finest of style. Regardless of the outcome, it is the attempt that is important. With this attitude, no time is wasted mourning the fact that a hurdle has presented itself but rather how the hurdle will be tackled. It was with this amazing attitude she tackled her own health problems. She wasted no time complaining or bemoaning; she assumed full responsibility for her own well being and busied herself with making herself well.

She was a firm believer in the mind, body, spirit connection long before the rash of self help books came along. She believed that thoughts materialized and so it was very important to her to keep her thoughts focused on the higher good rather than dwelling on the negative. She taught us that "as we think, so shall we be" - the power of thought. I’m certain it was from her belief in this principle that sustained and empowered her through her many grueling health challenges.

Something else Mom taught us was the importance of  visualization. I can remember when I was eleven, after a particularly long day of me complaining, whining and fighting with my sisters she took me over to a mirror and said “See this little girl. She not very likeable.” She went on to point out that I hadn’t made a positive comment from the time I got home and that I was forming a habit of acting negatively. So at the age of eleven she gave me Norman Vincent Peale’s “Power of Positive Thinking” to read. She convinced me that if I could create a mental picture of how I wanted my life to be and the kind of person I wanted to be, that my picture would soon become reality. I live this technique every day of my life.

Live every moment, and live it consciously. The life Mom and Dad had together was a wonderful example of a couple who took an incredible journey together, taking all the back roads to savour the scenery, hopping on the freeway once in a while just for the thrill of it, stopping to refuel occasionally but never stopping.

In the past years of her life, my Mom was on a little journey of her own. When she received the ultimate gift of a lung transplant, she was supremely grateful and immediately set about cramming as much living into very day as she possibly could. She traveled to see my Dad in the Arctic, accompanied us to Mexico, bought a new bike and used it, exercised daily, went to her first Raptors game, her first stage play, tried Indian food … you get the picture. She urged us to do the same. Every morning she would enthusiastically ask me what I was going to do that day. On one such day when I was still a little groggy I said - “I don’t think I want to do anything”. “Good", she replied, “just make sure you do it consciously so you can really enjoy it! Otherwise you may feel as though you didn’t accomplish anything at the end of the day.”

Life is unfolding as it should. Often we question or think that the events in our life are tragic or unfair … and we struggle to make sense of them. Mom believed that life was unfolding exactly as it should be .. that our failure to realize this lay in our inability to see the big picture. After witnessing the magical way the choices my parents made roll out into perfect synchronicity has reaffirmed my faith in the greater power that moves amongst us in our lives. Looking back on my own life I realize that the events and times that once seemed chaotic, were actually perfect pieces of a puzzle that fit together seamlessly; a perfect plan.

Now every famjam we have is the bittersweet portrait of a happy, wholesome family, united and enjoying and supporting one another; a wonderful testament to a mother who left our hearts full and overflowing.

But there will always be a little space, in the place  her presence used to fill.

Thanks Mom - you taught us well.


Other posts about my mother

Fifty, Fabulous and Other F Words

I’m fifty, fabulous and fit ... or at least fitter.

Maybe it’s the endorphins from the exercise surging through my veins or maybe I am just plain happy – whatever the reason - I feel fantastic and inspired. It’s been a few weeks now of sticking to my decision to exercise every second day and I am feeling the results. Okay, truth be told I haven’t lost a pound – in fact I may have even gained a few. But hey, my rock solid, iron butt and cut arms must weigh more than the jiggles and jelly that it replaced. Maybe I am exaggerating just a little, but I swear my tummies are flatter – I can see my knees unobstructed.

I am having a love affair with my running shoes and I don’t shriek so loudly now when I catch an unexpected glimpse of myself in the mirror getting out of the shower. I can run longer without becoming breathless, I can breathe easier in clothes other than my sweat pants and I can almost do up my jacket.

Happiness is ... buying large sized Spanx to wear under my dress two weeks ago - and finding out that I don’t need them now!

Let’s celebrate the small victories.

After years of chomping on my fingers, I have stopped this disgusting habit and now have healthy looking fingernails. I have reduced the copious amounts of coffee I was drinking to one delicious, savoured cup a day. I am eating mostly things that are really good for me .... What? There are no healing properties in Snickers??

I deny myself nothing but my desire for things that pull me off my path to health has diminished. I want to live fully, actively for many years to come - to 107 to be exact. I want to live to hold my future family in my arms and teach them lies about their parents; I want to live to see Africa claim its power and give back to its people; I want to see women in half of the ruling positions in the world; I want to see a world united in a goal to surthrive. And I want to see my tribe expanded to include colour and rainbows.

If I don’t choose health and fit now – then when?

I am fifty and fabulous and I am working on FIT. And those are F words I can live with.

Fog and Faith

I drove into work this morning in fog so dense that I could only see the tail lights of the car in front of me. It was surreal; the towers of lights that line the highways wore halos and gave off a soft glow and everything else was shrouded in white thick mist. Perfect for Halloween. Happy to have my new glasses.

It occurred to me that driving in fog is alot like living - with only the road directly in front visible to us. We are aware that there is more, that other roads and possibilities are within reach, sensed but not seen, and they become revealed to us gradually, in their own time with shifts and changes. I suppose that is what faith is … the confidence in knowing that if you stay the course, life will be revealed as it should. And it has.

How exciting is that?