Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Help - Not Wanted

It's a strange sensation to be forced into retirement when you aren't ready. And I am not talking about work.

Kidlet doesn't need me anymore ... I know she loves me and still needs me to love her back and for incidentals, but she doesn't need me for the big things anymore. And she doesn't want to need me. I was going to say she doesn't need me like she used to ... and then it dawned on me that she hasn't ever been a child who has sought me out.

She was the 18 month old at Moms and tots swimming, struggling to get out my arms, wanting to swim alone. I had to let her sink like a stone to prove that she needed me couldn't swim. She was the the two and half year old who waved hello when I went to pick her up a nursery school, and then turned back to her activities. On one hand I was in awe of her independence and confidence - and on the other - I secretly wished that just once she would hesitate when I dropped her off at school, and display just a hint of clinginess.

When she was three I took her to parent and tot skating with the thought that we would have some quality time together. Wrong. She pushed me away and made off like a wobbly Bambi on her ankles skates to make a friend. I on the other hand used the hour to buff up on my skating and got better than Bambi.

In her lifetime with me she hasn't been one to need me -- that is, until she got sick. Thankfully she was prone to ear infections and to my delight, she would call my name out in the night, arms outstretched, and no one could console her except me. To this day she still seeks out the comfort of my mom hugs when she is sick or not feeling well. But tonight she balked when I insisted on going to her medical appointment with her (just to hang in the waiting room). She insisted that she didn't need me to go -- but she didn't realize I did.

So now my little five foot nine Kidlet is throwing me into semi retirement. She wants to leave the nest --no nudging by mama bird required. She has been counting down the days to freedom as have I (for other reasons). Kidlet may not need me anymore but I can't help feeling that it is somehow easier for her to leave knowing that she has parents who are here, arms eternally outstretched, ready to receive should she want a hug ...

I know she is prepared for the changes before her ... just not sure I am.

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